Escape is nigh: out of the frying pan and into the fire

Well, well, well.....

Solutions have come. In this blog it looks as though solutions have come quickly, but as this blog is the climax of two years of angst and hand-wringing, well, it has not really.

Dave took the map of the problematique to his Dad for discussion. I am not altogether sure what he said (although I have the feeling that it was something along the lines of my 'declining health', judging by the reaction we got).
Hence we are now firing on all cylinders and are due to move out of Monifieth after the Xmas period (or, to be more accurate, slap bang in the middle of the Xmas period). We have adequate space now booked in a storage facility for the 27th of December and are in the midst of cutting the very thin emotional ties with this place.

"But wait!" I hear you cry.
"Why on earth have you booked a space in a storage facility?"
"Has your quest to live nearer the city centre taken such a dramatic turn that you are willing to live in a scary storage facility?"

Er, no.

For one thing, it is actually illegal to live on site (but very tempting - the prices are excellent and it's certainly a lot roomier and warmer than some of the places we have stayed in).

No no no.....something far worse has happened.

We are moving in with my Father-In-Law.


Ok, it's perhaps not as bad as I am painting it, but I just feel so very...lost. It's taken me a good six years to get to the stage I am at now - nice tenant in cosy flat of her own, with family, pays her own utilities that she has arranged and can do whatever the hell she wants whenever she wants (within reason). I can use the phone if I like, spend all day on the internet, read a book on the loo, have a long relaxing bath with a glass of wine, leave my clothes on the the floor - because I am the one who will have to deal with any consequences. For instance, I am right now at this very moment sitting tapping away at the laptop in my towel and nothing else. Nice. It's the way I like it.
Sure, if I get an unexpected visitor, then things may be slightly askew (it is after all mid-afternoon - shock), but lets face it, it's just not going to happen.

I am about to be plunged into someone elses family, who are very nice, but very multiple. And noisy. And annoying. And if I am annoyed or upset, I will have to hide it, so that I don't annoy or upset them.

They are going to take ownership of everything that I have - my son, my dog, my husband. I am not so good at sharing these. These are the things that keep me going, and if they are taken away I will be destroyed. I am barely clinging on at the moment, and I am not too sure if I have the strength to take a stand and fight on.

Father In law is very nice, very respectful, very...controlling at times. I fear now that I am about to lose my son - that he will be sucked into this whole clan-like atmosphere and that he will just not need me anymore.
I fear that my husband will revert back to being the diligent son, never misbehaving, never crossing the line, never being himself. He and his father have such a sterile relationship at times. It means that when we are around him he treats me in much the same way. It seems so alien, it is quite upsetting. He doesn't even know or realise that he does it.

I feel so bad, so awful, so evil, so disrespectful, so lost, so lonely, so tired, so done.
I feel guilty, after all this is all being done for me!

I am the one who isn't happy here, I am the one who isn't coping. I feel destroyed.

I just want to go home, wherever that may be.
How can you be homesick for somewhere you have never been?

So there you have it: out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Of course it has it's positives.
"Ah well, there you go" you say.
"It will be worth it. You can use this time to save up for a place of your own. Someting that you can choose, that is right for YOU".

I hear you.
I'm just so scared.
What is is this going to do to our marriage? Our parental relationship with our son?
Will I come home one night to find that the dog is missing because after 14 years of careful ownership someone has been daft enough to leave the front door open?
I should be positive - it's a change away from the two year hell I've pulled myself through. This past two years I have never felt so depressed about life; about my supposed friends, the deep lonliness and solitude that has eaten away at my soul. Therefore I should be excited at the prospect of companionship, building bridges with my 'new family'. Being closer to like minded individuals who kind of care.

I should be.

I feel so sick.
But this is something I have to do - for my family. For my future happiness. For the family still to be.

That's another thing that is bothering me.

Dave and I had decided (before this) to try for another baby. Now that we are moving in with his dad, it seems unrealistic. Could you imagine if I added crazy hormones to the mix?
Clutching at straws. I guess I just know that the only way I am going to find kinship is through my own.
Plus the fact that I can't resist the idea of a new addition; if he or she is anything like small one year old boy, I would be delighted - he is such a joy.

Ah well, enough moping and moaning. I must get dressed and head to the shops.
It is the hubby's birthday on Saturday and I want to make it a really great one.

He really deserves it for putting up with me.